Question: Is casual withholding sexual relations grounds for a Biblical divorce?
This query is representative of the state of marriages today. This is one of the reasons that marriage counseling should emphasize the Biblical responsibilities of sex to prospective partners. "For this reason they will become one flesh..." Marriage
requires sexual union and each partner should match the other in their expectations and acquire remedies if needed. A "marriage counselor" is not necessarily Bible oriented. One wife told me that her counselor told her that her lack of bed expectations were normal and not to worry. Needless to say
the expectation in her partner was not matched. Deuteronomy 29 gives the husband the right to divorce an unwilling partner. The wife is given the right in Exodus 21:11 [slave wife is equal to non-slave wife--"manner of daughters"]..-gw
Question: All I really need to know is if withholding sex in a marriage is grounds for biblical divorce?
Full text of question. Note: language has been edited only in omitting inappropriate language (to me).
Let's get through the particulars, so that you have some background on the situation. And FWIW [for what it's worth?], I don't expect women to understand what I am going through, so spare me your jaded and biased Pharisiacal legalism.
I'm 44, and have been married 14 1/2 years. I'm on my 2nd marriage. My first wife (and me at the time) were non-believers. She got pregnant, which precipitated the obligation to marry her. After several years we split up, due to her infidelity (She was a nymphomaniac, and when I was exhausted from working 2 jobs and going to college full time, so she got it somewhere else).
I spent several years figuring out life after this, and then I met my current wife, when I returned to church, and gave my life over to Christ. I met my current wife when I was going through huge financial issues. I had two cars repo'd, and was riding a 10 speed to drop my daughter off at daycare, as well, as to work. My income was minimal, as I couldn't even afford $550 a month in rent, without the help of a roommate. So I guess when I met my wife, and she was financially sound, and everything else about her seemed great, I figured this was a much more appealing option then my first wife, who had no responsibility with money, or anything else for that matter. I did love my now current wife, and I still do.
Contrast my first wife to my current wife, and they are polar opposites in the bedroom. The first one could go and go and go. My current wife wants nothing to do with sex whatsoever. I think she gives in to me about once a month and that lasts for about 5 minutes. Then I think she figures she's off the hook for at least another month while I go through the usual excuses. And honestly, I've never seen a woman make her menstrual cycle last so long, or be so convenient for when I am even remotely "in the mood".
All that aside, I'm seeking biblical wisdom on this. I'm not expecting my wife to just simply be available at my beck and call, but if we didn't marry for sex, then honestly, why did we get married? Like I said, I'm not interested in hearing from woman who assume that a husband is there to serve the wife, in all manner of housework, money, and to basically be there to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and then when the topic of sex comes up she's off the hook for whatever reason is convenient for her at the moment.
In my biased opinion, I'm a decent father and husband. I work two jobs, don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, and when I say I will be there, I am there. I can do laundry, and dishes when needed, as I have no aversion to household chores; then again, when I do get involved in these sorts of things I'm honestly sick of being micromanaged in them. If the wife is going to complain about how I do laundry and dishes, because I didn't do it her way, then don't get pissed off when I'm not eager to do these tasks. If you can't accept the way I do things if they are different than the way you expect it, then thanks, but I'll let you take care of this.
That's just one example honestly, as I could use any number of other examples, where the wife feels like she needs to be in control; but then when it comes time to make actual big decisions, she remains on the fence until nothing ever happens. It's a vicious cycle that honestly I'm so far over that I don't even give a rip anymore. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway to Sea World, and frankly I think Congress makes decisions easier. I've put up hotel suggestions, dates, etc, and without fail there is always something that prevents us from booking the trip. And even when I think I have something hammered down to the point of making the commitment to booking something, she comes up with an additional excuse for why this or that won't work.
Using that as a perfect example, excuse me while I simply withdraw and don't even attempt to engage the beast in activities for the family, or ideas of things to do. When I do suggest things, I get an endless variety of excuses and complaints about how this or that won't work. So rather than fight the battle, I have withdrawn now to the point to where I am in **** mode.
Honestly, I'm really at my breaking point with the marriage. I'm working two dead end jobs that pay next to nothing, just to support this insanity. And I come home, and don't get a kiss, or any sort of physical connection with my wife. Heck, we're roommates with a contract. When we said, "till death do us part", well, my heart is technically still beating, but frankly, I'm as dead inside emotionally as one person can possibly be. I don't really have an avenue to vent my frustration or complete lack of living in my life. I do like golf, but with my minimal income that's not realistic. And frankly, I get the guilt trip when I spend the 5 hours or more playing golf, even though I think I've played once a month in the past two months, and before that not in over a year.
I've got a buddy in prison that has more freedom than I do, not to mention to entanglements of being a slave to a relationship that is about as null and void as one can be.
So should it come to you as a surprise that I have basically shut down emotionally. Yesterday we were sitting in church and everyone else is singing and worshipping God; and I'm just standing there staring into space, in complete silence. We get to Sunday school, where I am usually engaged in the topic, and contributing; but yesterday I just sat staring at the book, and floor, and never said a word. My teacher even asked me if I was ok, but seriously; you think I'm telling you anything? Yeah, right.
I've contacted my church about this, but frankly, I'm so sick of the corporate mentality of churches. The counseling pastor didn't even respond to my email from a week ago asking for help. What does that say about the state of things in our church? You click the help button, and they put you on hold indefinitely.
So yeah, I'm living in Hotel California. Where you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. Sure, the lack of sex is merely a symptom, but frankly, I'm beyond caring anymore. I'm tired of living like this. The only thing keeping me in the marriage is the covenant I made with God. But if this is how God expects me to live, I honestly feel like putting a pistol to my brain and ending this mindless waste of time. Sure, you can preach at me with all of the "marriage is about giving, and not receiving...you are supposed to serve your wife....blah blah blah blah blah..."
I've read it, I've wrote it, I've preach it myself, and I've lived it. It's not working for me. I feel like a slave in this marriage, and every ounce of my energy used for bringing home the bacon is a complete waste of time. Factor in our 12 year old son, and that just complicates things. He's a great kid, very obedient, and does whatever the heck you ask of him. He gets straight A's. He's definitely a mommas boy though. I will say that for the past 2+ years I've been through a number of jobs, some forcing me to work out of state, and not be home on a regular basis. That's definitely not helped, but you need a job, and income, so I did what I had to do to bring home the rent.
Yes, I do understand that the sexless partner in a marriage can be either a man or a woman, and yes I know I'm not the only one with problems. In fact, I've seen the list of prayer concerns at my church, and this is a joke compared to the real problems that exist in other people's lives. So no, I'm not here on some pity party, expecting any sympathy from anyone. All I really need to know is if withholding sex in a marriage is grounds for biblical divorce? -Sexless
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I asked Jack and Bryon to give me their understanding of the problem and a solution for the enquirer. I appreciate their helpful answers. I want to "amen" their urging of counseling for there seems to me also to be a problem of communication. Please keep in mind that the letter is presenting only one view of the problem: his. However, it is valid from this man's viewpoint.
Thank you, Jack and Bryon, for your input. Answer by Jack Pinckert,
student at a school of preaching
Jack Pinckert Jr. Well, to answer the last question, the answer is no. Jesus clearly points out in Matthew 19:9 that, other than death, there is only one reason for divorce, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality (fornication KJV), and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."
This person states, "but if we didn't marry for sex, then honestly, why did we get married?" I see that as a problem starting right there.
As far as the sex I would point out 1 Corinthians 7:5, "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
I would recommend the two of them talking and laying out exactly how they feel with each other. I would suggest to do this with some kind of mediator or counselor.
Another thing would be for both of them to read Thomas Warren's book "Marriage is for those who God and each other" and also "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
I really think there is a problem on both on persons sides. He obviously believes he is doing things to please her, and quite possibly she may feel the same as him. That is where understanding "love languages" really helps.
Jack Pinckert Jr. [second response]. 1 Corinthians 7 says not to deprive one another but for a time. That and Matthew 19:9 do not indicate that if a spouse did and the other spouse did commit fornication that the depriving spouse would be ineligible to re-marry. Also one would have to ask if one deprived the other intentionally or just through circumstances (ie. tired from working). In the letter he seems to indicate that his ex was never satisfied and that being deprived wasn't the issue.
In his current marriage there may be medical factors on his wife's part (depression, menopause, just tired, etc.). Also as I stated earlier, they may not be speaking each others love language. For example, if I bring flowers home every day, but my wife's love language is acts of service (doing the dishes) and not gifts, the flowers mean nothing to her and she still feels neglected. Visit - 5lovelanguages.com
Answer by Bryon Schulz, preacher in Asheville, North Carolina
Bryon Schulz When my wife and I received premarital counseling we were exhorted to employ the three C's of successful marriages: Communication, Compromise and Commitment. Firstly, all three of these need be employed for a successful marriage. In this case, communication and compromise seem to be missing. They need to talk and find out what each other thinks about the issue of marital intimacy. When that is discovered, compromise on the subject (i.e. a solution that meets both their needs) can be arrived at comfortably. Marriage is worth the effort and this person must be convinced of that, otherwise no amount of advice or counseling will make any impact. Secondly, this man needs good, faithful, encouraging men to be around that can help him in this hour of trouble. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you help him any further. I will do my best.
Note: I would like to bolster my friends' remarks by emphasizing that marriage is basically a contract between two people before God. It involves vows and required commitment and is a relationship that should not be lightly entered into. "When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay" (Ecclesiastes 5:4,5). Although this is Old Testament, it is an universal rule from Heaven. Liars have a destiny in Gehenna Hell (Revelation 21:7). For my understanding on "defraud not" and its implication, go to this question below. Gaylon West
